THE CATHERINE TATE SHOW CHARACTERS
The following characters appear in the comedy sketch show '''The Catherine Tate Show''' on BBC Two. Comedienne Catherine Tate plays all of the main characters which she has created with Derren Litten and others.
Main characters
Lauren Cooper
Main articles: Lauren Cooper
In the first series, Lauren is a comprehensive school student with a bad attitude who is most widely known for her phrase "Am I bovvered?". Her and and her two friends Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins are known as chavs, aka wiggers, on account of their espousal of the hip-hop lifestyle. Sketches throughout the series see Lauren arguing with authority figures such as train conductors and teachers, as well as her best friend Lisa Jackson and love interest Ryan Perkins. Her behaviour in later series becomes increasingly worse and engages in confrontation more frequently. Lauren Cooper's catchphrase "Am I bovvered?" has made her one of the most recognisable characters of the show. Lauren has also appeared in many charity sketches with many famous celebrities, including McFly, David Tennant and Tony Blair.
Joannie "Nan" Taylor
Main articles: Joannie Taylor
The foul-mouthed grandmother is an old, cockney woman who constantly swears at and criticises other people. She is always visited by her well-mannered grandson where the visits usually start off well enough, with the grandmother showing how grateful she is that her grandson has come to see her. However, things usually take a turn for the worse after she starts to make unfavourable comments about her neighbours, family, or home help visitors. Joannie Taylor also appeared on ''The Paul O'Grady Show'' and game show ''Deal or No Deal'' hosted by Noel Edmonds. The latter sketch was shot especially for Comic Relief 2007.
Bernie
The incompetent nurse. Bernie is an unruly, randy Irish nurse who bordered on being sacked in the hospital where she worked in every episode. She frequently makes inappropriate remarks to her patients, flirts with most of the male staff, takes a critically ill patient on a wild night out, and mixes up the records of living patients with those of dead ones.
In series two, Bernie makes three appearances. In one sketch, she is nearly sacked after being hypnotised. In the second, she returns to her usual man-eating ways, flirting with a doctor. In the third sketch, a lesbian nurse flirts with Bernie, eventually kissing her.
In series three, four of her siblings (Brenda, Bridie, Seamus and Paddy), all identical to Bernie and even more over the top in their behaviour, cause havoc when they come over from Ireland to visit her during her shift at the hospital. It was discovered that Bernie shuns medical terms for intimate bodily parts because she confuses them with the names of another sister and brother, Virginia and Clint.
Bernie is due to appear in the upcoming Christmas special in a sketch featuring George Michael.
Paul and Sam
The Essex couple. They are happily married yet slightly simple, and find everyday situations surprisingly hilarious. Paul and Sam often excitedly tell each other stories, which they find highly amusing and interesting, but would in fact be just everyday situations (as for example forgetting the keys for the car and only notice that at the car). The stories build up and when completed, Paul and Sam would both produce an exaggerated and completely silent laugh. Tate revealed in an interview that these characters are based on people that she knows, but that they are not aware of this despite enjoying the sketch.
In episode five of series two, audiences were introduced to Sam's parents, who share many of the same characteristics as their daughter. Paul Whitehouse guest starred as her father and ''My Hero's Geraldine McNulty guest starred as her mum. In the Christmas special, it was later revealed that they have two children who look like them and behave in a similar manner. Paul and Sam made only two appearances in series three, featuring in the last episode and still very excitable over the slightest thing. It is usual for Paul to ask a question to which Sam would reply "I dunno!", again followed by an exaggerated and totally silent laugh.
Kate and Ellen
The office workers sketch which followed two office workers who sat next to each other. While one (played by Ella Kenion) is usually keen to get on with her work, she is frequently disturbed by the other, (played by Tate). She continually makes conversation about her lifestyle, inviting her co-worker to "Have a guess!" on such delicate situations as how much weight she had lost, how many miles she could run, and how much money she paid for her holiday. While the sensible worker is reluctant to go along with the game, she is pressured into making a "wild guess", which almost always results in Tate's character becoming insulted and consequently offensive. Towards the end of the series, the nice worker occasionally guesses correctly. This upsets Tate's character who reacted in ways such as calling her co-worker a lesbian. The name of the office is written on the set as 'Callas & Sait' which although has been suggested is perhaps a reference to the callousness versus saintliness of the characters, actually refers to the surnames of two production staff on the show. In the script book, Tate's character is named as Kate and the "nice" worker as Ellen. (Listed as "How Much/How Many" on DVD).
In series two, Ellen becomes more aware of material that Kate uses for her "Have a guess!" games, and often knew the correct answer before being asked. Unfortunately, this irritates Kate even more than usual, and during the course of this series she poured a drink over Ellen's head, trashed her desk and spat in her hair.
Elaine Figgis
Elaine is a woman who appeared in a documentary, following her life corresponding with people around the world, via the internet trying to find love. Series one follows her engagement and eventual marriage to a convicted cannibal and lunatic on Death Row in the US, who abducted, tortured and murdered eight people, proceeding eating two of them. Elaine had met Jerry over the internet but never in person, notwithstanding remained positive about his crimes and continued to declare her love for him. Elaine even goes out to Texas to the prison in order to marry him, where the service lasts about five seconds. Elaine states that the wedding ceremony had to be short as they could not gauge the amount of sedative to give him. In another sketch, Elaine lights a candle to represent Jerry's life, to be blown out at the precise time of his execution, eventually realizing that the United States are six hours behind Britain, and that she has made an effort for the wrong time.
In series two, Elaine appears for one episode, and is still using the internet to find potential lovers. She recently found a new love, Mohammed who is Egyptian, twenty-four and sells spices outside Luxor Temple. Unfortunately, her new boyfriend, Mohammad, ends up conning her and taking her savings.
In series three gives up on finding love online. Instead she attempts to have a baby with the aid of a sperm donor, but unfortunately her missed periods turned out to be the start of the menopause.
In a special sketch for Comic Relief, James Bond actor Daniel Craig appeared as himself in a sketch with Elaine Figgis. He is another boyfriend that Elaine meets over the internet and subsequently moves in with her. Throughout the entire sketch, Elaine is most oblivious as to who he was and his famous role as James Bond. She admits that she thought he was lying about being an actor, with the sketch ending in the splitting of their relationship.
The Aga Saga Woman
An upper middle class English woman who goes into a state of shock in various, seemingly innocuous, situations. For example, she receives a phone call from her husband's European personal assistant where she has to tell her children that "daddy hasn't been able to find any good brie" on his business trip to France. They fear that they would be laughed upon at the Parisian picnic at school because they did not have the correct cheese. She also panics at the thought of having to use a dishwasher when an egg cleaver falls onto the floor, meaning that Chloe could not open her egg which could not breathe and may discolour. Because of this, everyone panics and can only phone the house-keeper to wash the cleaver in the dishwasher who they suggest should take public transport — a taxi. She also dreads the thought of going shopping to the supermarket by herself. The title of the sketch is a pun on the stereotype of the pretentious middle classes having an Aga oven at home. The Aga Saga Woman is named as "Mrs Montgomery" in series two but in series three this is retconned to "Mrs Taylor - Thomas".
In series two, she goes into a state of shock and terror after a Northern nanny has to look after her children. "Mummy" does forewarn the children that the agency arranged for a step-in nanny (as Alice was ill), and that she feared that the nanny may come from as far north as Sunderland (pronounced by them as "Sunder-land"). Jill Halfpenny guest starred as the Northern nanny.
In series three, she sends everyone at her children's school sports day into a panic when she finds out the eggs being used in the egg and spoon race are not organic, and becomes terrified at the prospect of having to use a hire car while her Land Rover is being repaired. She and her children are disturbed when they took a wrong turn and ended up driving in Tottenham (pronounced by them as "Totting-ham") where they are traumatised when they see the supermarket Iceland, see that nobody is wearing brogues and when someone cleans their windscreen at the traffic lights. On another occasion they evacuate a picnic after one of her children's friends accidentally consumes a gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt that is twenty-four hours past its sell by date. She seems to believe that encounters with lower-middle class or anything less than perfect will prove fatal, a trait which she has evidently passed on to her children, apparent due to catchphrases such as "We're all going to die!" and "Please don't kill us!"
Derek Faye
Derek, who first appeared in series two, is a man who shows several signs of being gay (combining some mannerisms of famous gay British comedians such as Kenneth Williams and Frankie Howerd), but seems to be in denial about his sexuality and becomes extremely offended and defensive when people assume he is gay. To his dislike, these occurrences are frequent, due to the fact he behaves in an extremely effeminate way. His most famous catchphrase is "How ''very'' dare you!", along with the overuse of the word "dear". This can be seen in another catchphrase; when asked about his sexuality he replies "Who, dear? Me, dear? Gay, dear? No, dear!". When offended, Derek states how he and his mother have been doing an action relative to the person Derek is insulted by. For example, in one sketch with Bonnie Langford, he rants "25 years my Mother and I have been following your career and you come out with this!?" Derek also uses the word "impertinent" to describe the person who has unintentionally offended him. He also frequently says "What ''on earth are'' you insinuating?" when the person he is talking to makes a comment on how they think he is gay. Another well-known catchphrase is "I've never been so insulted!"
In series three, Derek still battles with the problem of everyone he met assuming he is gay. He becomes particularly offended when, while on holiday in Spain with his male companion Leonard Mincing, a taxi driver offers to take them to a Hawaiian-themed gay bar called "Homo lulu". Bonnie Langford also appears in one of his sketches, where he ends up giving her one of his infamous rants after she casually mentioned that she had many "gay fans".
Irene and Vern
Irene and Vern first appeared in series two. They are the owners of a mobile burger van situated on the side of a motorway. During their sketches they are visited by a regular customer called Neville (played by Brian Murphy) whom Irene tries to convince that she and Vern have been visited by various celebrities. When Neville appeared, Irene never knows the name of the celebrity in question and always attempts to try and describe them. She once says when trying to describe Madonna; "That big blonde woman off the telly." Irene also claims that they were visited by former Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev and Desmond Tutu.
In series three, with little change from the last series, Irene tries to convince her regular customer Neville that she and Vern had met ABBA, Condoleezza Rice and even Henry VIII of England who, according to Irene, did not die over 400 years ago but is renting a bungalow in Hemel Hempstead and was seen by her on a bike ride with Anne of Cleves. Vern, who normally has no lines, was given a speaking part for the first time, when he simply told Irene to "Shut up."
Janice and Ray
A Northern couple who express their disgust at meals they had been presented with at restaurants. Their disgust is based on the perceived over-pricing or the exotic nature of the food. They are also shocked at the food being available in Britain, due to comments such as "This were in Harrogate." After complaining about the food and prices, they use their most infamous catchphrase: "The dirty bastards!" or sometimes "The evil dirty robbing bastards!" Some of the foods that Janice and Ray express disgust at are; shiitake mushrooms (pronounced "shit ache" mushrooms), grapes in brie cheese sandwiches, vegetable tempura and tentsuyu (described as "battered veg" with "spicy jam"), gazpacho and escargots.
In series three, Ray was no longer played by Derren Litten (who did not work on this series) but continued to use the same phrases: "Famous last words", "Listen to this". Their catchphrases become slightly modified to fit the situation, for example "The evil, dirty, raw fish-guzzling bastards!" when complaining about being offered sushi in Nagasaki, or "The dirty, robbing, lactose intolerant bastards!" after telling the story of being served coffee with soy milk at Janice's sister's house.
Geordie Georgie
A frequent petitioner, who constantly tries to get her co-worker, Martin, to sponsor her charities with facts such as "Every 38 minutes ..." then follows her statements up with "If you don't believe me then log on to the website ...". The scenes for this sketch follow the same pattern. Georgie comes into the office and start singing happily, with Martin joining in, and then she asks Martin how his weekend went. Martin then talks about his daughter Michaela which would prompt Georgie to feel concerned about her but then begin to talk abusively about her. Georgie then requests to borrow something on Martin's desk, for example "can I borrow your nice lime green highlighter?" She then describes her latest fund-raising effort and asks him to sponsor her. He always offers a modest donation then makes at least one small increase, but after several futile attempts to get him to donate yet more money, she says "Let's say no more about it because I wouldn't want it to come between us pet." then attacks him in a manner that has something to do with the cause she was championing (for example, she sprays him all over with cleaning fluid after he refuses to pay out as much as she had liked for sufferers of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).
She also tries to raise money for victims of sexual harassment, domestic violence, alcoholism and sex addiction as well as for dwarves and Africans, but claims she "couldn't be less interested" when Martin asked her to donate to a fundraiser of his own. She also makes an appearance in a sketch made for Comic Relief. During the sketch, Martin still offers a modest amount of money for Georgie's charity, but upon Lenny Henry raising money for Comic Relief, he promptly writes a more generous cheque for £150. This prompts Georgie to shred it in the shredder that she had previously borrowed from Martin, before head butting Lenny Henry and saying "That'll give you a red nose". Tate stated on ''This Morning'' that Georgie was her favourite new character.
Minor characters
Information Woman
The information woman works at a help desk in a shopping centre. When shoppers ask for her assistance, she would misunderstand them or mistakenly believe that they were trying to engage in friendly conversation with her.
Bunty Carmichael
Bunty is a woman who insists on being allowed to perform in a children's majorette team, as there is no upper age limit. Her sketches involve her going to a pub with the owner, Geoff, who would try to convince her of her inappropriate behaviour (to Bunty's disgust, saying of the nine - year - old girl who had replaced her on the team ''"Does she know she'll be on the majorette scrap heap when she's thirty?"'') Bunty's obsession with the club eventually results in Geoff contacting the police and obtaining a restraining order. A running gag in this sketch is that, when Bunty leaves the pub, she plays a song on the jukebox which reflects her current feelings. In one sketch, after being rejected by Geoff, she plays ''All By Myself'' by Eric Carmen.
Botox Babe/Boob Job Babe
This sketch features an actress who does a perfectly normal acting scene one day, but on the following day when it comes to do the same shot, has changed her appearance drastically. In series one she appears with massive lips, obviously having had injections of collagen. In series two she appears a second day with enhanced breasts. Nobody is concerned about the continuity of the shots apart from the other actor.
Not drunk enough woman
Claire, who makes only one appearance, is a woman whose boyfriend tries to get her to invite him indoors after a date, but she insists she "just isn't drunk enough". Despite his efforts to remedy the situation (even suggesting she have alcohol fed into her body intravenously) she tells him that even though she is so drunk she can hardly stand, is dying of alcohol-related liver damage and went to Oktoberfest where she was arrested for drunken behaviour, she still cannot get drunk enough to find him attractive.
Frightened Woman
Margaret is a woman who screams with terror at quiet, everyday noises. Some things that Margaret screams at are her own hiccups, a birthday card, a post-it note and Christmas tree lights. Her husband Michael sometimes repeatedly warns Margaret of something which may cause her to scream, but after she is adamant she is fine, she would scream anyway. Her final sketch in the Christmas special reveals that her apparent real hair is in fact a wig, showing her to be completely bald. Differing from all other sketches, it is Michael who screams and not Margaret. Tate later revealed that she based this character on her mother.
The Enigmatic Cop
Amanda is a detective who comes up with bizarre theories at crime scenes, to the surprise and frustration of her assistant, Whittaker. She once concluded that the world is a figment of someone's imagination and once asked for Whittaker to shoot her so that she can confirm that a bullet to the heart is enough to kill. When Whittaker refuses to shoot her, she becomes disappointed as she thought Whittaker had been "making progress".
New Parents
Karen and Ben are the new parents who will do anything to stop their newborn baby from waking up, including refusing to leave their car to attend a birthday dinner, going to the extreme of eating their meal in the car. They frequently argue, but immediately switch to happy singing if their child starts to cry.
Valley Girl
Valley Girl is an American teenage girl who starts every sentence with the words "and I'm like...", and "and he's like". She appears three times in episode three of series one.
The drunk estate agent
The drunk estate agent makes only one appearance. She arrives at a property, drunk and offends both the owner and prospective buyers, accusing one man of being homosexual; "You know what they say about a man who likes a bit of chrome in his kitchen, he likes a bit of cock up his arse" before she passes out.
The Backhander Woman
An at-first peaceful looking woman who suddenly switches voice tone and personality when she advises complete strangers to violently attack people who are irritating or confusing them and gives them "one swift backhander" to teach them a lesson. She then switches back to complete politeness.
Last-Hit Woman
Sandra is a professional businesswoman who starts a game of 'last hit' at her office, and goes to great extremes to ensure that she has the last hit. When her colleague Anthony is involved in a car accident as a result of the game, she is more interested in whether she has the last hit or not. Anthony later dies of his injuries and when at the funeral, Sandra receives a message from his wife saying "last hit", which prompts Sandra to run to his grave screaming "last hit", as it meant that Anthony had the last hit and she had lost the game.
Lady Clown
Jill, a trainee clown who constantly uses her circus skills to talk about and convey a horrific car accident that she claims to have been involved in. She complains of whiplash, paints a child's face to look like a crash victim, says that her trick flower reminds her of the flowers tied to a tree where the person died and complains that pieces of sliver paper remind her of a shattered windscreen. She also uses a balloon to make a noose while the other clowns make the traditional animals.
Martin Webb
This character was portrayed by Derren Litten in the only sketch of the entire show that did not feature Catherine Tate. In the sketch, Martin appears on a train talking to a series of people on his mobile about how drunk he was the previous night, and how he had "copped off". As he converses, the people around him become increasingly annoyed.
Tactless Woman
Allie is an extremely tactless woman, who despite meaning no harm, always manages to unintentionally offend people in one way or another, after being introduced to them at parties. After she had offends the person, she becomes embarrassed and tries to look for an escape from the conversation as quickly as possible, sometimes faking that someone had just spoken to her, or sometimes she spontaneously starts singing and then quickly escapes. During one sketch, Allie thinks that a birth mark on someone's head is a mark left by their hat, and when a deaf person was communicating via sign language to speak to his translator, Allie exclaimed "Film!", thinking that they were playing a game of charades. She also thought that an afro was someone's hat and that somebody's girlfriend was their mother. In an interview, Tate said that this character was partly based on herself.
Moo Shepherd
A Brummie dog trainer who resorts to strange and desperate methods to achieve
success in training dogs. In one sketch, Moo tortures her own dog when she sent an electric pulse through her body in order to make her behave using a shock collar. Unfortunately, her dog, Lady Penelope ended up coming last at an important contest. Moo was also seen holding a dog training class, where the class attendants were not allowed to bring their dogs and had to imagine that their dogs were attached to their leads.
DI Angie Barker
A policewoman who is a single mother and brings her children with her to an unpleasant crime scene. Whilst at the crime scene, her children play with a dead body, where they paint on cat whiskers and poke it with sticks. This barely fazes DI Angie Barker where she casually orders someone to put the body back to its previous state.
Victoria Russell
Victoria is a drunk bride who insults her new husband and his family in a memorable wedding speech. During her speech she blatantly embarrasses her husband John, and even admits to having several affairs, in front of him and all their guests. At one point in a sketch, she forgets her husband's name and just referred to John as "him". Then, to end her long and drunken speech, she says: "And finally propose a toast, to me, and all who sail in me." She appeared several times in the fourth episode of the second series. At the end of the sketches, Victoria was seen intoxicated and passed out, alone in the dark ball room.
Sandra Kemp
A woman who lives in a world where "gingers" are ostracised from society and is sent to "Russet Lodge"; a refuge for redheads, under police protection. She appears several times in one episode of series two, then in the next series she returns with her campaign group "Gingers For Justice" taking a stand against the public, who eventually decide that gingers are allowed back in to civilisation. The series three sketches guest starred Patsy Palmer, where Palmer dressed as a battery (copper top) and protested with the other "gingers", who were themselves dressed as carrots and ginger biscuits. After the protest, it is revealed that a film is to be made of the "gingers" where Bonnie Langford will play Sandra.
Sheila Carter
An uptight, snobbish Scottish woman who thoroughly disapproves of the behaviour of everybody around her, before farting loudly and unashamedly. She does this in a funeral car, a taxi, whilst in confession at Church and at the cinema.
Annoying Waitress
Amanda is a perky waitress at the fictional BBJ's restaurant. She greets customers with "I'm Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee!" in an overly chirpy voice. After annoying diners with her loud and childish behaviour, she jumps into structured dance routines with her fellow workers after she takes each order. During one sketch, she puts on an Italian accent and uses a wooden spoon puppet to speak to the diners, who only want to order a pizza. The diners can only look on in horror as the two employees both started dancing to a song after they had tried to place their meal order. Her ridiculous behaviour, almost always causes the diners to run off. Her usual catchphrase was: "I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus - careful, I'll do the jokes."
Trudy and Ivan
Trudy and Ivan are the owners of an extremely successful wig emporium which many well-known celebrities use. When they invite a production crew into their workplace to make a documentary about them, they struggle to keep the names of their clients a secret, due to comments such as "If that jiffy bag doesn't get to Wembley Arena by 8pm, it'll be the first time "Candle In The Wind" has been sung in a crash helmet!" There were also signs and double entendres which pointed towards Ivan being gay. Their secretary was played by Una Stubbs who finds it a struggle to keep the identities of the celebrities a secret. Her inadvertent naming of Judi Dench as a customer pales in comparison to other examples, such as how she named a large number of celebrity customers, not realising that the camera was rolling at the time.
Crap Croupier
The sketch features a croupier who is extremely unprofessional in her job. One sketch sees a man gamble a lot of money on red, and she announces the ball had landed on red. However, she then casually announces, whilst the group is celebrating their victory, that it had in fact landed on black and not red, as the colours "sort of merge" while the wheel is spinning. She also takes the ball away from the roulette wheel when the noise starts to annoy her. Another time the ball actually flies off the roulette board and she says "It was probably red". In another sketch, after watching the wheel spinning, she faints. She is named as Hayley in the script book.
Ulster Mum
A gritty, hard-faced Northern Irish woman who, to the amazement of her son John (Kevin Trainor), is delighted for him and herself when he comes out as gay. Even though he does not want to be treated any differently, she obsesses over his sexuality, inviting him to give her fashion advice, look at pictures of men in magazines while he was trying to watch football, visit one of her friends, and go on a gay parade — much to his embarrassment. The phrase she frequently uses is "Have you heard about our John? He's a gay man now".
Life at Ma's
A parody of ''Life on Mars'' which features Tate as Ma Willow, overbearing owner of the boarding house "Ma's" during the 1950s, who takes in time-travelling policeman, Sam Speed, after he is hit by a car. Unfortunately, he often brakes the conventions of that time period (such as being a non-smoking, politically-correct vegetarian).
Helen Marsh, the "I can do that" woman
A woman who claims "I can do that!" when her friends and colleagues are in search of people with specific skills. For instance, in one episode, her colleague needs someone to practise tennis with, and Helen happily accepts to assist her, implying that she can play tennis brilliantly. However, she is abysmal at tennis and hits the balls way out of the court into a group of trees. In another sketch, she claims she can speak seven languages for a conference, and proceeds to "translate" into nonsensical sounds that were based on linguistic stereotypes. Three more examples included the themes of drumming, curling, and salsa dancing. Jools Holland appeared in one of her sketches.
Laura Powers
A bungling spy who is called in to assist the American government with a top secret mission involving terrorists (in a direct parody of thriller series ''24''), but is so inept at trying to use a computer keyboard that she causes a communications failure which blows the entire exercise (literally, as the terrorists blow up their hostages). It appears that she knew nothing of computers or her job.
Snack Food Woman
A woman who whilst out and about with different people, frequently excuses herself to go and buy a bag of snacks, including Nik Naks, Monster Munch and Mini Cheddars, only to return and find that some horrible disaster had happened while she was away (including her boyfriend being killed in a building collapse and a pair of friends: one who died in a drive-by shooting, the other in a shark attack) before surveying the scene with mild surprise whilst munching on her snack.
Frankie Howerd Impressionist
An actress who, when she comes to a critical point in the scene she is acting, produces a Frankie Howerd impression. However, she claims that she does not realise she is doing this very obvious impression, even though she actually says words and moved physically to sound and look like Frankie Howerd. She acts almost totally oblivious to what she is doing, although she does acknowledge that she employs some Howerd characteristics in her acting. She is also seen in labour, and the impression "came out" in this sketch too.
Source
★ ''Am I Bovvered. The Catherine Tate Show Scripts''
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